There’s something humbling about having your leg broken by a ten-foot tall snow penis. When that tower of phallic snow swings down to deliver the mightiest cock-slap you’ve ever felt, there is a moment of fear which changes to hilarity. What could a giant snow dick do, right? Then you find yourself limping to the university health center a few days later after discovering that a giant snow dick is, in fact, capable of breaking your fibula. I’d like to make this post a meditation on the randomness of life and how we should savor every moment because we never know what will happen, but I can’t honestly do that. I was doing just as much when I tackled that shit over. Call it karma or the three-fold law or whatever. I had the snow schlong coming.
If the cosmic payback was proportional and any indication, someone must have put a lot of time and love into building that thing because this was back in January and I’m still not cleared by my doctor to run. Perhaps this should be more of a reflection on being mindful of one’s actions, but you’ve heard it all before and don’t need that again. That’s not the college mentality. Around here, the thought process is more along the lines of…
Step 1) “You see something you want to do?”
Step 2) “Yes!”
Step 3) “Do you have the guts to do it?”
Step 4) “Hells yeah!”
Step 5) “Then go do it!”
Step 6) Wake up in a hospital the next day.
Hey. I didn’t say it was a good thought process. It is what everyone makes of it. The pervasive, mindless, almost hedonistic attitude here makes it law. It also makes it pretty fun to watch. However, between being in a cast and taking an extra class this semester, I have not had much of a chance to observe the local fauna. I’ve spent more time than usual in my room, working and attacking the horde of mints from the dining hall that I stow in my desk.
While studying and popping peppermints like a druggy pops Percocet, I found myself again and again diverted from writing fiction. I couldn’t understand it. Fiction is my alleged passion and I was not scheduled to do much social stuff, being unfit. Yet something always seemed to prevent me from opening up a story. Every time I thought I could set aside a session for writing, something came up. And here I’d thought I had my priorities straight.
Around the same time, my Intensive Literary Studies professor was driving our class to examine Romeo and Juliet and why the lovers die in the end. Professor Farrell spoke about how neither Romeo nor Juliet were willing to speak a plain truth to others and that their equivocating led to their demise. He claimed that, by failing to speak plainly, those around them were inclined to believe whatever interpretation suited their own biases. He saw Juliet as the only truly self-aware person in the play. Because of her awareness of both her circumstances and other characters’ motives and vulnerabilities, she was granted a measure of power and control over her own fate that the others did not have because they were slaves to prejudices and to societal expectations.
The thirteen or so hours that I spent writing my midterm paper for this class gave me a bit of time to think on this. Aside from seeing the truth of it in the play, as characters kept doing dumb stuff like taking a roofie from a priest without considering surrounding events, I was beginning to realize something that I wasn’t quite sure I liked.
I reviewed my doings over the previous week and found that nothing vital had consumed my free time. I had spent it all hanging around friends. While that’s fun and all, it was not furthering my ambition and I started wondering why I would spend time with them rather than on my vocation. Aside from the obvious pleasant company and desire for companionship, I realized that I felt obligated to spend time with them. Our culture, especially at this school, demands that we spend all of our time socializing. Otherwise you are not normal. Otherwise you are unfulfilled. Otherwise you will be forgotten and ignored. On top of that, I had begun subconsciously to believe that some of the people I hung around needed me. I think that’s the fantasy that we all want to believe. We want to believe that we are vital to someone the moment that they confide in us and lays their troubles bare. I had become dependent upon others’ company to fulfill my desires and out of an urge to fulfill theirs.
I stopped what I was doing and sat back in my chair. What the hell had I been thinking? Sure, I loved being around people that made me laugh and who I wanted to share my feelings with, but the idea that they needed me? That’s ridiculous! Even if I am important, I’m not the only person around. Everyone I know has other friends that they can go to for their confessions. There’s almost always a spare ear around for someone to talk to. What need have I to be that one other than to build a friendship? If the friendship is established, then they will understand if I disappear for a day or two! I had not lost track of my priorities. I had lost track of my actions and motivations, which is even worse. It’s fine to not know what you want, very few people really do know. What is not okay is being lulled into a trance and doing everything without considering why you are doing it. That’s on par with being a lemming and jumping off of cliffs because you aren’t paying attention.
The lesson of Romeo and Juliet is that no matter what you do, unless you are aware of your actions and the surrounding circumstances, then you will be pulled into the flow of society and lose control over your own life. Sometimes that’s good. Some people want nothing more than to blackout every college weekend, get a job, and reminisce. Some want more, but spend time doing what others expect of them, like hanging out with friends or joining clubs. What makes me laugh is thinking about those people who decide not to conform to society and use that action as a substitute for their dreams. Instead of fulfilling their goals, they end up drinking and smoking weed, dressing in goth or thug clothes, writing modern poetry, or getting violent. They think they’re doing what they want and being different, but they are doing what every “non-conformist” or “free-spirit” is expected to do.
Kind of makes you wonder if there’s any special meaning or point to doing what we do in society. The best I can figure is that there really isn’t. We can try to set trends and improve the world, that’s the best, or we can get suckered into the mainstream one way or another, which isn’t a bad thing. It’s all about what makes you happy and fulfills you. However, if you want to control your life and thus have the option to act independently, then you need to be mindful of your own motivations and those of people around you. If you aren’t paying attention to what’s going on around you, then, well, you’ll be the subject of whatever giant snow dildo that decides to turn you into Tiny Tim.
Ha! This did turn into a mindfulness thing! Bait-and-switch baby!
