Parental Advisory: Explicit Content

Is there a better way to begin this week than with a penis festival? Yes? No? Well, either way, Japan has one.

Apparently a good number of my coworkers were already aware of this bizarre celebration. I, however, was not expecting an article (and picture) about a giant, enshrined dick appearing on the group chat. So, of course, I immediately made plans to attend the next day. What else was I supposed to do? Besides. It was only forty minutes away.

Apparently the Kanamara Festival stems from a local tradition and a couple of legends that go along with it. The first legend is that the Shinto goddess Izamani once gave birth to a fire god. This left her weak, injured. Two gods of mining and blacksmiths, Kanayamahiko and Kanayamahime, then healed her wounds. Because of this, local sex workers near this shrine would pray to these gods for protection from STDs, childbirth, and similar hazards of their trade. The other story claims that a demon fell in love with a local woman in the area. Instead of sending her flowers and chocolates, though, he decided to inhabit her vagina.

Yup. You read that right. Just sort of burrowed in and set up shop, apparently. To make matters worse, though, the woman was to wed and, during the post-nuptial activities, this demon bit off her new husband’s penis. Whoops! Sorry, honey!

So yeah, that marriage didn’t work out. However, she got married again, hoping that this was just a freak accident. Turns out it wasn’t and now there was a second eunuch hobbling around the village. The woman finally decided to make an unusual commission from the local blacksmith and ordered an iron penis from him. Once it was ready, she “presented” it to the demon, who, thinking it was another man, chomped down and smashed his teeth to pieces. The demon then fled in agony, toothless and frightened. The metal phallus in question was subsequently enshrined there. (Source: Tokyo Cheapo)

The [drag] Queen of the festival

Now, every year, the temple has volunteers, some in drag, “put benevolent spirits” into massive, enshrined dicks and then parades these things around town for a couple of hours! Performers, food vendors, and all the typical festival accoutrements appear and much of the proceeds go to STD research.

Schlong story short, my experience there was something of an overload. Aside from my unfortunate history with phallic objects, which left me walking on eggshells all day, everything just came so quickly! The heavy weight of the crowd pressing against me, the heat of the day, and the hard railing I was crushed against were a bit too much for me. You see, there was a rather long line waiting to get into the temple area where the penises and performers were. Although I could only watch, the people inside seemed to be having a ball.

Beyond the temple’s low walls, I could see three tall palanquins bearing phalluses, each larger than the next. The first was a serious bit of wood, about a foot tall, surrounded by smaller metal versions. On the far end of the courtyard was a big black dick, standing perhaps five feet tall, complete with veins. In between those two, though, was a towering, pink Godzilla of a cock. It must have been even almost as big as the snow penis that broke my leg freshman year!

After the priest and his assistants finished their ritual for putting spirits into the statues, various staff lifted these portable shrines into the air, bouncing and jostling the statues above their heads. I half expected white confetti to explode from their tips at any second.

Once the parade left the temple, though, and began its trek through the town’s streets, all hell broke loose.

Trying to get a closer look, I had inserted myself into the massive crowd crushing itself against the walls. When the parade left, though, the courtyard was left open and the crowd thrust forward, pushing itself through the temple’s archway and exploding into the space beyond. Even if I had tried to escape, I doubt that I could have. If I thought that rush hour on the Tokyo subway system was bad, this was worse. I have been caught in inexorable undertows while swimming and been swept away by rivers and currents that no amount of strength or skill could avail against. This crowd was much like that: A force of nature. Going against that tide would have been tantamount to a salmon trying to swim against a tsunami. Thankfully I don’t think anyone was injured and, hey!, I got to skip the line. I felt like a dick for it (see what I did there?), but didn’t really have much of a choice at the time.


Inside it was much like any other Japanese festival. People prayed at the main shrine for good luck, ate and drank beneath the cherry blossoms, enjoyed performances, and bought all manner of penis and vagina-themed goods. Oh, wait. Okay, not quite like any other Japanese festival. Parents were even buying genitalia-shaped candies for their kids to munch on!

Getting in on the fun, I bought the biggest candy they had, which was about five inches of hardened sugar in the shape of a red-tipped penis. It cost 500 yen (a little under $5.00), but I thought, “When in
Rome, right?” Let me tell you, I definitely got my money’s worth out of it.

That thing took almost three hours to eat. It was too hard to chew and, even with my entire mouth around the thing, it just did not want to dissolve! It eventually got to the point that my tongue developed sore spots from licking and sucking on it; even starting to bleed a little! Those things are definitely meant for sharing.

Meanwhile, I lost track of how many folks wanted to take my picture with that thing! I don’t know if I seemed approachable or if people were just entertained to see a white guy in leather taking dick, or at least taking part in the festivities. There were a ton of foreigners there too, which isn’t too surprising all things considered, but I seemed to attract cameras like a sailor attracts whores at the docks. 

Glad I lost my sense of dignity during high school theatre!

When all was said and done, and the phalluses had returned after their long, hard march, it was time to call it quits.

Ended up following this guy as I left.

Heading out, I decided to see just how long the line to get into the shrine was. I followed it out of the side gate, where people were supposed to enter from (whoops), and down to the street corner about thirty meters away. Then it turned around the corner and kept going until the next street corner. Past that, the line went down the street for almost a football field. Man I dodged a bullet, but wow did I feel guilty after seeing that. Just hope it wasn’t quite that crowded when I got shoved inside but, let’s be honest, it probably was. On my way back to the train station, the next performers took the stage. I know that American music dominates the global industry, but it was pretty weird hearing a Japanese man trying to sing Toto’s “Africa” as I left.







On a side note, remember that shrine I mentioned last time? The one I stumbled upon while running? I took the time to find it again last night! Many of the cherry blossoms have fallen now, but hopefully the pictures at the end of this blog will give you some sense of the serenity and ambience there. Unfortunately, I left my good camera at home because my computer’s SD card reader has suddenly decided to stop working. Sorry for the poor quality, but if anyone knows how to touch up iPhone pictures to balance lighting exposure, I’d be glad for some tips!

Anyhow, here’s the Song of the Week: “Whatever It Takes,” by Imagine Dragons. This song has been buzzing through my head all week and helping to keep me awake at my job, despite waking up at 5:30 every day for an hour and fifteen minute commute. Enjoy this while you check out the shrine pictures!